Thursday, December 15, 2016

Surviving Dec. 15th (And it's always going to be "too early" - they'll still be telling you to be strong.)

So it's been exactly one year since my mother passed away from a chronic illness, and on her name day in-fact. Of course it hasn't been easy, it can't be easy. You see things that remind you moments.
What were you doing at the time you were told (i was snoring) and the moment that it got real (damn there were a lot of tubes...)

Btw, the way to know who really likes you and thinks about you is if they'll say "what do you need?" or "what can i do?" and stand behind you in case you need something (literally and metaphorically). Most other's will most probably just say "Be strong." and after the 100th time you'll be ready to pounce to the next one to tell you that because you'll be thinking "I want someone else to be strong for me for once." It's something people say when they don't know what to say, not realizing that there isn't much to say. Just hug it out.

And you don't forget, nor does it go away. You just accept it and get used to it. You'll be reminded of things and at times you may even turn your head waiting to tell'em something or even wake up and thing to tell'em something. At first you are just chocking, but after sometime you'll so "oh well."
You can't forget or let go; I mean just think about it, half your DNA is them and most of your ideas/morals are shaped by them one way or the other. Either by them forcing their own or in my case, with them looking after so that you get to form your own thoughts by thinking  (which basically should just boil down to "don't be an asshole". You don't need anything more and you shouldn't even have any need for a religion to tell you not to be an ass.).

Of course each one deals with this in their own way but one thing is for sure. Don't oyster up. People won't know how to behave around you at first but those that are close (and I don't mean relatives) will want to come over and check up on you or invite you to ... do something, anything.
Go. 'Cause you'll never be ready, it'll always be too early. Keep postponing just stepping out of the house and before you know it you won't even be turning on the lights when it gets dark outside. Just tell them that you are in a bad mood and if they push you too much you'll snap at them, but go.
Otherwise you'll just pushing yourself in a black hole. Listening to music the very next day or not wearing all black doesn't mean forgetting or disrespecting. My sister got a tattoo with their own phrase that they used to say to each other, I made my game so that on the 15th of December a dove appears in a secret place (Well, she was the first person that I played video games with so it's fitting). My dad is still a work in progress...

Eventually you'll be remembering those dumb things that they did and smile instead of the last time you saw them. And there's nothing better that you could've done if you were just there and just talked to them. Unless of course you drove a knife in them or something. That's not good. Don't do that.

But at least today we sharpened his chainsaw's chain, I did another bug report email to Unity and sis bought some presents. So yeah.

Here's some fire in slowmo. 
I didn't center to phone while taking the video unfortunately.